solutions

Sunday, July 13, 2008
**************************************
FINAL SOLUTION
***********************************
You want solutions to our problems?
Read the Bible.
And if you think you are smarter than God,
find your own goddamn solutions.
If you say the solutions in the Bible are dated
and therefore useless, then I suggest
the only solution is putting in an order
for a new God, a new Bible, a new Messiah,
and a new Lord's prayer:
“Give us this day our daily shish kebab and pilaf,
and lead us not into massacres.”
Do you really think
our bosses, bishops, and benefactors
are in need of your solutions?
How many letters have you received from them
so far asking for solutions?
How many letters have you received from them
so far asking for your “moral and financial support?”
These gentlemen have no use for your two cents' worth.
They want your bucks.
The bigger the buck the better.
Instead of statesmen we have panchoonies
whose favorite punch line is “Mi kich pogh.”
If you haven't understood that much about Armenians,
what, pray tell, have you understood?
A rhetorical question.
No need to answer.
Because the answer is obvious:
nil, nada, nothing,
vochinch, rien, zero, zilch!
#
Monday, July 14, 2008
************************************
MEMOS:
TO MY FELLOW ARMENIANS
*************************************************
If no one flatters you
do not flatter yourself
but if you do
do not confuse your lies
with articles of faith
straight out of Holy Writ.
*
If a fellow Armenian
refuses to parrot
your sentiments and thoughts
don't accuse him of being a Turk
who hates not only you
but also Mount Ararat
and Lake Sevan.
*
If a fellow Armenian
disagrees with you
don't insult him;
but if you do
and he returns the compliment
don't spend the rest of your life
trying to get even.
*
If you are in a hole
stop digging as if
you aimed to reach China.
*
If you bray like an jackass
don't compare yourself to Pavarotti.
*
If you look like a mongoloid
walk like a retard
speak like an inbred moron
don't brag about your genius.
*
If you begin to suspect
no one wants to touch you
with a ten-foot pole
the very least you can do
is not to pretend
the sun shines
out of your backside.
#
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
*****************************************
OBSERVATIONS
*********************************
All our publications are subsidized by bosses, bishops, and benefactors. Which means you can say nothing against God, Capital, and the Party; only Turks. This may explain why our Turcocentric ghazetajis are our most prolific, ubiquitous, and popular writers. Next time you hear about an Armenian who was awarded a literary prize, you can be sure of one thing: he is a Turcaholic.
*
Armenian criticism: Revenge by other means.
*
I have never heard a decent Armenian say we need solutions, only dupes and crooks who will reject any solution that threatens to expose them.
*
The only time I question the truth of the dictum, “No one is beyond redemption,” is when I visit an Armenian discussion forum on the Internet.
*
To ignore Armenian writers is to exterminate them by other means. There is a micro-Talaat and mini-Stalin in all of us.
*
An Armenian once said to me: “When I stay away from Armenians, I am a vegetarian. In their company I become a carnivore.”
*
Some writers, among them Gabriel Garcia Marquez, write for their friends. I write against my enemies. My ideal reader is one who reacts to my things with profanities, but after a while – say, in 9 or 99 years – he begins to suspect I may not be as hopeless a case as he thought I was, and someday, with his guidance, I may even begin to see things his way.
#